The Love I Was Always Looking For

The Love I Was Always Looking For

(by Marihanna)

There’s a quiet kind of realization that hits you when you’ve been running your whole life, running from loneliness, from silence, from being alone with yourself.

Maybe everyone is right. I just can’t be alone, can I?

I’ve always been dating someone. There hasn’t been a single moment where it was just me, where I wasn’t giving my energy to some boy I met on the internet. It’s never been just me.

And after all that, after the wasted moments, meaningless dates, and the men I’ve laid next to, I’m left here in my room, alone with this ache I have to face by myself. I haven’t been smart, and I haven’t been loved. That’s the truth that haunts me.

I finally reached my breaking point. I deleted my socials, went blank, disappeared because no one deserved access to me anymore. How sad that it took me this long to put myself first.

If younger me could see me now, I’d hug her tight and never let her go. I’d tell her not to skip school just to lose her innocence in a teenage boy’s cold blue room. That day I opened Pandora’s box, and when he pushed me away, I clawed for more. I wanted that rush again. I wanted to be seen, to be held, to matter.

But giving away my body and my heart so freely only left me empty. Year after year of heartbreak, of tears, of pleading with God — asking why He hasn’t given me the love I’ve longed for.

“Why not me?” I’d cry. How unfair it seemed, little ol’ me, never seeing herself as enough unless it was through someone else’s eyes.

It aches me now to realize how many times I put myself in these situations.

Over a decade later, I feel emptier in some ways but wiser, too. I’ve been dealing with this disease on my own. I pleaded for love and was given this instead. And while I wish I could erase it, I’m strangely grateful, because it forced me to see differently.

I don’t crave a man’s touch anymore. I think I’m done with them. I might never find the love I dreamed of, and that’s okay because now, my focus is me.

That’s the greatest lesson my twenties have taught me. I used to pretend I knew it, that self-love was the answer, but I never believed it like I do now.

The deepest love I’ve ever searched for has always been the love I needed to give myself. I’m stronger now. The past is locked away, and I’m finally at peace with it.

Today begins a new chapter: healing and loving all the parts of me I once begged someone else to love. Isn’t that something?

Things feel different now. They feel good. All the pain will pass; I just have to keep going.