Don't we really all have at least one vice? Whether they are popular or not? We all have at least one bad habit, one immoral practice we wish we didn't and the thing about vices is that they don't necessarily have to be big. They can be sleepy silent crawlers. Why do all vices have to be so bad?
I come from a family of addicts, mainly drinking alcoholics. So the addictive personality comes easy to me. Addiction is a funny thing because when I think of the word addiction I think of it in a negative connotation. Having seen my dad battle with rollercoasters of being drunk, addiction to me didn't look so pretty.
I've had my fair share of vices one of them being, weed. I cant recall the exact story of when I lost my virginity to smoking the green grass but I do have one that comes vividly to mind... Being in one of my best friends quinceanera came with the after school dance practices. Which led to us buying some weed off a kid at school and deciding that today is the day we are going to smoke. Once being at her house we grabbed the closest thing that can get us high. We grabbed an apple, carved out the proper pieces, packed the bowl, and smoked away. That was my first time I was introduced, I'd say. From then on out I wasn't smoking nearly every day but it was something here and there enough to make it nearly everything I wanted to do. I mean I worked at two weed dispensaries - a story for another time. What I'm trying to get at is that I stopped even after I did it for a long time. So practically it never really had control over of me. I suppose thats my dads way of looking at himself. But really I was getting high a lot.
It's been awhile since I have smoked but there comes these moments where I just really want to get high just for a night, a moment. However, I feel guilty for doing so.
Does rarely smoking weed make it into a vice?
As I mentioned earlier, my dad's vice was alcohol. Not the strong kind it was more beers- BudLight to be exact. He drank ever since I was a baby. Roughly over 35 years. A very long time you see. So it came to a point where things got very terrible, it's been a terrible time with his drinking mainly because it filled my childhood home with so much distress. There were more gloomy moments then sunny. He finally asked for help and got into a program. The program helped but recently a couple weeks ago on a Saturday morning he had a beer. One beer came two, two become three, and by the end of the evening he was the drunkest I have seen him in awhile. I won't lie, I was fearful. My inner child took over and I was there again, 8 years old and hiding in my room because I didn't want to hear my parents yelling. Tragic right? (eyes-rolling) However, I remembered what I learned about alcoholism and how when dealing with an alcoholic it's okay to place boundaries. So I did, I stayed in my room focusing on other things, things I can control. As much as it hurt seeing his eyes blood shot red he didn't drink the next day as much as his body was telling him to.
Shouldn't that have shown us he is capable of handling at least one beer a day?
If my dad starts drinking again in MODERATION- would it be all so bad?
I think that's myself trying to convince myself to make my guiltiness of smoking go away- what a funny thing our brain does.
I know we all have our vices and they help. Sometimes life can be too big, too much to handle so having these vices help in a way. It allows us to take a little pressure off of our shoulders.
Is having our vice in moderation still consider a vice?
I've dealt with my fair shares of vices and hell I am still dealing with a vice right now.
This morning I laughed at my younger self. While I was pulling out my driveway driving down the street I saw a teen girl sitting on the curb behind a huge pick up truck. Definetly trying to hide herself. I slowed down to take a look as to what she was doing and there she was, smoking a cigarette. She was definitely a teen girl, she had her backpack and it was still early enough to make it to school. I live right by a high school so I only figured. I laughed because I remembered the first time I wanted to try a cigarette. I though it was so cool. I saw pictures of girls doing it on Instagram that were in the same grade as me and they just looked so cool. At that time I had summer school and I thought it'd be the perfect opportunity to try one right before going to walk half down the block down to my friends house since her dad was driving us to summer school that day. I was so little at that time, so naive not knowing what I was doing. I left 20 minutes earlier just so I can do it properly. I found a seat on the cold curb and pulled out this white rolled cigarette. it was just like the pictures online. I even searched google how to smoke one. That's how curious I was and I wanted to make sure I did it the right way. I pulled out my lighter and went ahead and lit the end. Prior to smoking my first cigarette I've tried weed and that was fun. I continued smoking weed until maybe two years after high school and then some how it just drifted away. Smoking my first cigarette I felt like a true adult - like somehow everything shifted and I was that independent woman I saw on movie screens smoking and not caring. A rush of adrenaline flew to my head as I got up, and at that momentI really this is why people smoke. The head high was the most powerful reaction I had to it. I must have inhaled improperly because I could not stop from coughing where I eventually just dubbed it on the pavement floor and left it. I didn't realize how strong the smell would stick to me until I went into my friend's dad car. I drowned myself in perfume prior but no perfume could mask the scent of a cigarette. It was pretty annoying but it was fun because I tried it. Smoking cigarettes didn't become a regular thing for me until I met my ex. He did it every day and smoking one with him felt like the right thing to do to spend time with him- it made sense in my head then. I begun smoking with him and then when we broke up, smoking cigarettes became a thing of reminiscing in the time we spent together. It was sort of my way of chasing nostalgia. I simply stopped after some time and then moved onto vapes. One vice I am still trying to wrap my head around why I do it. It really has just become one icky habit. I have been abusing it. It so
I really have no point to this journal entry so if you're still here, "hey ")..) I'm trying to be better. I'm down to my dead last vape, and I'm hoping on not buying another one. But who knows? I know that I'll live and I've gone weeks without one before. I guess it just makes life even more better which is sad to say because LIFE IS GOOD regardless if I have a vape or not.
