I don't know what to call this...

How are you supposed to meet anyone in real life anyways when everything is practically digital. This is not meant to argue that someone can't find love or connection 'digitally'.

After my first - but technically second 'love of my life' I swear I have never met a single man in person. With that, I mean socially whether that's out at a party, grocery shopping, or at a bookstore. Meeting someone the organic way. As I type out this sentence I do realize I have met one through mutual friends but let's not count him. Other than that all of the dates I've been on have been through good friends: Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble.. I dabbled in POS (plenty of fish), sugar daddy websites, and OMEGLA.. None of them sticked and if it did it was only for an exact three whole months or less. Trust me I know.

He definitely love bombed me and I proudly wore those heart shaped rose glasses proudly. Give me a break though, the week I met him was the week after I lost my grandma. My ability to not process my emotions properly, I ran to the thing that I know couldn't fill that emptiness, men. The red flags were there but I constantly looked the other way. The things I know I did not want in a man suddenly got pushed down all the way to the bottom. I simply ignored them, intentionally, because part of me always thought if I liked at least one thing about someone I can be sure the other things will follow. Similar to a classic rom-com movie where the one guy that likes her likes everything about her but she only likes one thing about him and eventually after they keep hanging out and he no longer likes her she starts liking everything about him, times 10. With this one I liked his love for his garden. What I later on came to realize is that we would never leave the garden. As much as the idea of never leaving a garden sounds magical and dreamy this one was dreadful because well it was going to be with him. Subconsciously I knew that but consciously my opened mind and opened heart got me in yet another whatever this was.

This online "match making" is miserable. There's a few lucky ones but I can't seem to wonder how lucky they really are? The best answers that come after the question, "How did you two meet?" are the ones where they take place in real life. That's the one I'm deciding to get. To trash with these ridiculous matchmaking sites. I don't understand the algorithm. I go through a series of questions before I swipe right and who am I kidding the first question is "Are they cute to me?" A very valid question. I was on the dating apps for 7 years so I started playing games with it - first twenty men I'll swipe left and the next twenty men I'll swipe right. I matched with less than none. Then I decided I only get to look at the first photo and if I don't like him then I swipe left no acceptances. I went to the other side too to see maybe my taste wasn't men and maybe it was girls but I quickly gained reassurance that I really only like men. There is only so much that you can get from viewing someones dating profile. After swiping right the next clue to finding out if their the one for you is that starter. Sort of like you're a ordering this new meal off the menu. You find the name appealing the ingredients are the bio and you swipe right as you point out the dish on the menu,"Sir, I'll have this one." I always waited until they replied unless their profile caught my full attention and if I really wanted them I sent the first message- I initiated the conversation. Sorry, I don't have the percentages of how many dates I went on with me initiating the conversation to how many dates I went on when the man initiated conversation.

I once watched Lord of The Rings once. And we were going to start the second one until he mentioned, " You don't got to pretend you like it." My poor young naive self replied, "well yes I like them!" We only ever ate Taco Bell. What I mean by that is exactly that by the way. We ONLY ate Taco Bell . I have nothing wrong with Taco Bell, I enjoy eating Taco Bell. Don't cancel me. It came to a point where I was wondering if he'd take me out on a date. I asked him if he ever will and his response was that "is this not good enough?" and well yes heck yes it wasn't enough my inner self was screaming but I persisted thinking well maybe one day. Once you start thinking "one day" well honey you are screwed. Our one outing was to a nursery. He drove his truck as I sat in the middle which made me even taller sitting beside him. He would wrap his arm around me and my insides felt it wasn't right because well just like a first kiss you definitely know what's good and what's not. But sometimes you're cast in a spell that you just can't seem to loosen, it has you firmly in his grip. It was boring hanging out with him, I settled for boring! I was also fearful of not finding the one so my ability to settle grew. While I was being patient in love they were choosing for me and I think that's the part I hated the most.

My profile wasn't all perfect as well. I chose the perfect photos and chose the sweet and short captions. I played the part. I waited patiently with love that something will show me that this person was the love of my life.

These dating apps are no good to a woman with an active imagination. I imagined a life with all of these men behind the screen. While they imagined just getting under the sheets.

Maybe I did something wrong but it just didn't work for me. I applaud those that have found their person online I just don't think I ever could. Nor do I want to anymore.

-Marihanna