4/365

My heart is full and growing even bigger with patience, gratitude, and love. I'm okay right now, the past few days coming into the new year has been steady - a slow pace we all enjoy. I have a feeling the next few days are going to pick up and I'm going to need to buckle up my seatbelt. I feel that I'll be tested and challenged in my discipline I have towards my goals and dreams but this is what I have been waiting for- this change, this movement in the right direction. I am excited. Tomorrow I start my health journey alongside my sisters. Yes, it might rain and part of me trembles at the idea of waking up and running/ walking in the cold. But I can do it, we can do it. I also start my Math class tomorrow and my initial response screams, "Yuck, math!" am I right? Who really likes math, truly? But hey once this class is done just a few more to go. I was working on my educational plan today and choosing the rest of my classes and it's becoming so clear as to how close it is to finish off with El Camino College. It has nearly taken me a decade. Let's not laugh at that but dance in excitement that I'll finally be done with that chapter. But lets not count our chickens just yet - something I tend to always do. Or is it count our eggs? Hm, whatever. I also am starting my book club journey with a Lawrence, and my sister Civi. Should be exciting. I picked a book off my bookshelf, one I have not read. I chose "The Marriage Clock" by Zara Raheem. I remember my grandma giving me this book to read and I just looked at her in the most ridiculous expression - she always wondered when I'll get married. It's not that I will get married it's just I haven't really had any luck in the department of men- I'm sort of at that phase in my life where I am questioning if it's really men or am I lesbian? Never mind, typing that I know I'm straight its just the luck part. Anyways book club should be an interesting one. We are all to read one book of our choosing- take notes as we please and then after exchange the book with one other. Last but not least I am back at work tomorrow, the usual. It does feel nice going back and not searching for something else at this moment. Being here is good for me this year- it's something steady- something I definitely will be needing with all the other changes and activities that are going on in my life. I also definitely feel different about this year- so much good, so much happiness, so much cheer and love is surrounding everyone. There's only up from here. I also wanted to share. my journal entry - apart from this computer entry- something I wrote from my journal because I noticed a change in myself and I am very much proud of myself; so here it goes..

January 4th - I started a series on HBO MAX, 'Heated Rivarly'. I hopped on the last few episodes in and might I say this romance show shoots high over five stars. Something about the love and the chemistry all over - it just makes me scream my heart out. Love wasn't on my vision board this year nor my part of my 12 wishes. I think I just got tired of having that always on my to-do list. Finding love, finding someone for me, blah blah blah was just always something I wanted- always on my vision boards, always one of my wishes. I have been chasing love or this idea of love ever since I was in elementary and the bad boy in my grade (which I secretly thought was cute) chased me during recess, pinned me outside the girls bathroom wall, looked me into my eyes, and planted a kiss onto my forehead. After that I was cursed with this fascination to finding love- finding a man to love. I am 28 and tired of chasing boys, men who simply don't want me as I want them (not that they measured up to my dream man anyway) I have God to thank for that. Good looking out. The point I am trying to make is that I've been endlessly searching. But now, this moment in my life I just don't pay any bother nor have the energy to do so- to repeat a cycle- to start a story I already know the ending to. This moment is about ME! And not worrying over a boy. Seeing the show is just a reminder that the love God has created for me will come and I'm not going to worry about it anymore, I'm no longer trying to be in control of knowing. I'm letting it go and love will find me - that special kind of love I have witnessed in movies, read books about, dreamed of. When he is ready and when I'm ready to love again he will come.

-Marihanna