It didn’t last long. Then again, it never really does, does it? Maybe six months at most, though I’m probably exaggerating. This is the second date of the year down the drain. But honestly, I’m not bummed about it—I’d already made the decision, before even receiving the message that I wasn’t interested, that I was done. But still, there’s that little ego sting.
This is the second time it’s happened. The first time, I told myself not to fall for someone who wasn’t as attractive as I was. I didn’t listen. And now, here we are again. I trusted that this time would be different—like I always do. I even went on a trip with him. The funny thing is, I came across this quote afterward: "Don’t go on trips with people you don’t love." Honestly, I wish I had read that before. But hey, the universe has a funny way of making you learn things the hard way sometimes.
I’m currently recovering from a cold I caught a few days ago, and during this time, I’ve had some clarity on my life. You know what? I actually kind of love getting sick. Sounds weird, but I always get these mini-revelations when I’m down for the count. Life isn’t that bad—cheer up! You don’t have to blow your nose every five seconds, and you can talk, eat, and swallow without your throat feeling like it’s on fire.
Last weekend, I got sick after sharing things with people I had just met. Not the best idea, but it makes for a great story, right?
Anyway, my point is: stop giving men the benefit of the doubt if you’re not attracted to them. Yes, it sucks that it’s all about physical attraction, but it’s not just about that—it’s a mix. And I knew deep down that the physical, emotional, and intellectual connection wasn’t there for me. It’s okay to walk away when it’s not right. I might’ve blamed it on being sick at first, but honestly, I knew it was done. The confirmation I got today just sealed the deal.
Second: being sick sucks, but always look for the revelation. I love that spiritual moment of clarity it brings. I washed my blankets today, and it felt like a fresh start.
Lastly, remember to still get out once in a while and feed that teenage girl inside of you—she loves those spontaneous nights. Trust me, I know.
-M
Is attachment love? I often wonder this, especially when I meet someone new. On the first date, I either feel an instant connection or I force one. Whether it’s real or not, the connection is there. Some might call this unhealthy, even a bit reckless. It’s not something I do with everyone I date, but the connection feels essential when I want to continue something with someone. And often, those connections are ones I create in my mind.
I’ve been dating for five years now, and I’ll admit- I’m the kind of person who puts all my eggs in one basket. I love the idea of love, falling for someone, getting to know them. But at first, I can be a little standoffish. Then, by the second or third date, I’m all in. But that “perfect love story” never happens. So I wonder- maybe it’s my attachment style? If I get the slightest attention, I fall hard- even if he’s not ready to catch me.
There are plenty of books on attachment and self-love that suggest it all stems from childhood. And while part of me believes this, another part thinks it’s just a way to explain everything away. The truth is, I enjoy meeting new people and creating potential love stories in my head, even if that’s unhealthy. Five years of dating and I don’t think I’m changing anytime soon, nor do I want to. It’s thrilling, even if it doesn’t always go as planned. Maybe I don’t get my happily- ever- after, but the journey is fun.
Last night, I went on what must be my hundredth date - but with someone new. It’s funny though, because I keep asking myself, what makes a date? We met up at The Pike, but does just meeting somewhere count as a date, or is there something else that makes it feel like one?
We walked around the stores and strolled along the perimeter of the Pier. The night was chilly, but I felt warm from all the talking and walking we did. We didn’t stop. There were moments of silence, but they never lasted long, one question always led to another, and before I knew it, we were talking again. It felt easy, comfortable.
After walking through every corner of the place, we found a spot to sit. We were underneath twinkling lights that hung above us, creating a cozy little bubble around us. We talked about everything- our hobbies, the things we used to do, what we’re into now, and our future dreams. Those two hours felt like an eternity, but in the best way. I didn’t want the night to end. I enjoyed his company. He’s not the “supermodel” type, but there was something about him that drew me in. Maybe it was his stories, the way he seemed genuinely engaged in what I was saying. He felt so grounded, so family-oriented. He knew where he wanted to go in life and what he was looking for. It was refreshing. The conversation flowed without effort, and by the time I left, I had a smile on my face.
Later, I thought about why I felt so drawn to him- maybe it was the attention he gave me, the way he listened. But so what? It was nice to feel heard and seen. For once no expectations were hanging over the night. I left feeling lighter, hopeful, and surprisingly content.
Dating apps can be overwhelming, especially when I battle with my inner thoughts. Should I be giving the same level of attention to others as I am to him? Or should I focus solely on him, because that’s what usually happens? I tend to forget that dating apps become irrelevant once I meet someone in person. After just one meeting, I’ve already invested emotionally, putting all my eggs into one basket. I always hope those eggs won’t hatch, but somehow they always do, and I never seem to learn my lesson.
Here I am again, carefully picking my eggs and placing them in a basket, cushioning them with hope, trying to protect myself from potential heartache. But deep down, I know that pain always seems to find a way in.
I’m hopeful that we’ll talk again in person soon. He made me feel comfortable- something that often happens on the first date, but it felt different this time. He listened to me. I’m unsure about what he’s looking for, but I know that asking directly tends to complicate things, bringing expectation and the potential for disappointment.
I tell myself I’ll take it slow and avoid getting physically involved, and I’m determined to stick to that. But let’s see how long I can hold onto that resolve.
-M
Today was a disappointing day and even a sad one might I add. I woke up and went straight to Google. I begun to type out: Who won the election? After intaking all of the posts and making sure what I read was accurate I sat up quickly and had a moment of silence for all of America.
I ran to my mom to confirm the news, she silently nodded. I am still in disbelief. I don't understand. How?
I continued about my day trying to process what the next 1,460 days will look like for someone living in America. I felt worried, scared, and lost.
I got ready and headed out to work. I wish I had the power to read people's minds. I saw them in their cars passing me by, the crosswalk guy sitting at the curb looking at his phone, the car in front of me paused at a red light and the thought of "I wonder who they voted for and how do they feel?" ran through my mind constantly.
Tumblr, Instagram, and X was flooded with a mixture of devastation and celebration. I didn't really know the beliefs of my fellow followers until today. I now knew their beliefs and where they stood and that just bothered me very much.
I was uncomfortable, people I have hung out with before and had fun moments with were voters of someone I very much believe is a bad person. I held some sort of resistance but it wasn't until I had a moment to sit in reflection that I unfollowed a friend off my Instagram account. They say, "In the end its just politics" but it really isn't its' our lives, it's peoples lives at stake. There's so much wrong with Donald Trump and we saw that during his first presidency. Confusion just continues to run through me, why did people vote for him?
I went to sleep with the hope that the world will hear and witness the history of America electing the first female president. I had a dream she won but I suppose this is a confirmation that all dreams are not true.
I can still feel the dread of Americans who put their vote to Kamala Harris gone with the wind.
I still have hope that Kamala Harris will somehow win.
For now I will just continue to hope for the best.
I can only continue to pray for the best.
M