I don’t know where this started, but I thought it’d be best to just jump right into it since I’m feeling a little inspired right now. I went straight to my laptop because, well, we know these moments don’t last forever.
So here I go.
I’ve been off the mainstream socials for quite a while now — the big ones like Instagram and TikTok. I just feel like I’m not as myself there as I am here or on Tumblr. These two places have become my safety nets — spaces where I can really scream, think, and be myself.
I suppose I’m taking the necessary steps to refresh my routine. I’m going to Ireland soon ..the land of... well, I don’t know entirely, but I hope it’s completely different from America. I’m getting out, and I’m more thrilled than I’ve ever been. The countdown is on — 8 whole days until I’m in seat D43 (okay, I don’t even have my seat yet, but manifestation is a thing, right?). Eight days until I’m on the plane headed to the land of Guinness, cozy pubs, and kind people.
I’ll be documenting everything first in my journal, then typing up updates for you all. I’m so happy, can you tell? I can barely contain it. I keep trying to pack my bags, then unpacking them to rewash everything. I just want to make sure it all fits perfectly and has its place.
What have I learned these past few days without social media? Nobody hits me up, and it feels like freedom.
It’s beautiful, honestly. I have no one to check in with, and that feels peaceful. I don’t check my phone as often, and I’m no longer mindlessly scrolling. If I do need a little scroll, I go down Tumblr or YouTube reels, and after twenty minutes, I’m done. It feels so good.
I read the results from my last doctor’s appointment, and they were... scary. I haven’t gotten a call yet, but I know it’s coming. It’s not serious — but it is, at the same time. It’s made me see life from a different perspective.
The plans I once had for a family still linger, even though I don’t have a spouse. But lately, I’ve started to wonder if maybe it’s just not in the cards for me. Part of me can’t help but think, is this punishment for all the years I gave myself to men who didn’t want me the way I wanted them?
It’ll be okay. My support system is stronger than I am, and that’s what really matters. I’m scared, yes, but things can change, and they will change.
Being off social media has made me feel more comfortable in my own skin. It’s helping me learn myself better. Isn’t that crazy? Socials numb us; we forget there’s a whole world outside our screens. When I first deleted them, I panicked. I felt disconnected from everything. The sirens outside suddenly sounded louder, and I thought, How will I even know if America goes to war? But people around me watch the news, and the internet still exists, so now I actually read more. Isn’t that something?
I’ve also turned my eyes away from men. I used to be so lost in love, constantly searching for it, craving it. But now, things have shifted. I don’t need a man to find love. I can pour that energy into the things I love — writing, learning, and discovering myself.
This health scare has really shifted my perspective. And even though I’m scared, I’m also grateful. I don’t want just anyone. My last date reminded me that it’s simply not for me right now. Not this season.
The countdown has officially begun: our sister trip to Ireland. Each day that passes makes it feel more surreal, and as the flight date creeps closer, my mind can’t help but spiral with thoughts like, “I still need this… I don’t have that…”
In all that mental noise, I’ve been forgetting the heart of this trip — to simply enjoy it.
Of course, I want to feel pretty while I’m there, but if I’m being honest, that desire is often tied to how I want others to perceive me. What I truly want is to feel comfortable and confident in my own skin. The truth is, we’re all beautiful and unique in our own way — it’s not the clothes that define us.
Still, I find myself stressing about outfits, especially when my sister keeps scoring the cutest finds. I know it’s just a little sister jealousy, but I don’t want that feeling to cloud my excitement. Instead, I’m choosing to believe that everything will work out — for both of us.
Right now, I’m also counting down to my next paycheck, which means I’ll be able to grab a few last-minute treasures at TJ Maxx. But even without that, I know the real treasure will be the memories we’ll make exploring Ireland together.
Here’s to letting go of the stress and embracing the adventure ahead. ✨
It’s kind of scary how quickly I change my mind.
A few weeks ago, I swore I wanted to be a dental hygienist. So, I got the ball rolling. I signed up for classes faster than you can say… fuck.
Now it’s the fourth week of the semester, and I’ve already missed the drop deadline. So if I decide not to continue down this path, I’ll have to take the “W” on my transcript.
And I ask myself—why do I keep doing this?
Honestly, it’s been like this since 2015. I can’t seem to stick to just one thing. First, dental hygiene, then I thought nursing might be a better fit. That idea lasted about two days—until I had a five-minute meeting with a counselor during drop-in hours. It felt rushed and surface-level. She hit me with the usual:
“Nursing is competitive."
“Are you ready to commit?”
“It’s a lot of money.”
“Are you really serious?”
I walked out thinking... I don’t even know what my plan is. Isn’t that why I came in?
I’ve probably changed my major at least twenty times.
Sometimes I think if I don’t get a degree, I’ll never amount to anything. But maybe it’s that exact mindset that’s keeping me stuck in this loop.
At the end of the day, I just want to do something I love. But here’s the thing—I struggle with the things I love.
I love to write, but I barely make time for it. I love yoga, but I don’t practice consistently.I love being outside and exploring, but I hardly ever do that either.
I keep praying to God for guidance. And maybe... maybe deep down I already know what I want—I’m just too afraid to say it out loud. Too afraid to actually do something about it.
It would be rad to get a degree—mostly just to say I have one. To prove something to myself. To show other people.
But then I ask: Does that really matter? When I’m older, will it really matter?
It’s a scary feeling—not knowing if I’m making the right moves. Not knowing if I’m just wasting time. But maybe these aren’t mistakes. Maybe they’re just redirections.
I have to stop comparing my life to everyone else’s. I have to live it my own way—after all, it’s mine.
Have you ever changed your mind so many times that you started to wonder if you'll ever figure it out?
- Marihanna