Solo Movie Date

Back from my little hiatus. The last days in January are going by so quick and I need to make sure I get those stamps in. This year I made a stamp booklet. I made cards of all the things I want to accomplish and I gave myself pretty much one task to do each month to get myself out of my comfort zone, explore somewhere new, and build my confidence back up. One of them is 12 Solo Dates each month (at least). So this month of January I chose going to the movies solo. It was terrifying might I say. The drive there was quite nice, it's always nice driving alone sometimes, I'm able to pick my own jams and feel cool. It was truthfully peaceful taking myself out on a date. I usually worry about the smallest of things when I'm out on a date and it's the most silliest things especially going on a date in the theaters. I ate my popcorn with pride, not worrying about how loud I was chewing. I drank my milkshake happily and not ashamed with how much sugar I was drinking. I got comfortable in the seating, wrapped my self in my jacket that could get away with being a blanket without worrying how I looked. I had a splendid time. I would definitely do it once more. I'm very proud of myself. As small as it might sound- going solo to the movies- it was actually very huge for me. In the most recent times I have struggled with doing things by my self. I get so much anxiety going to the market, putting gas, running errands. I no longer want to have these shackles attached to me, so I will continue this journey of solo dates.

Cheers! To many more solo dates with me!

Love, Me

Today

The weather today is a reflection as to how I feel..grey, gloomy, and about to burst with tears. I'm trying to be happy but I can't help but feel this gloomy cloud hang over me. What is it? I love going to work now because it distracts me from the outside world how insane is that? How do I get out of this slumber of moodiness?

Late Night

Will my mom ever be happy? I see her and I just see this unhappy child screaming for help. She is a ball of sadness. Marriage is a funny thing - why is it like this? I use to dream of being married but the idea of being with someone for eternity having them consume my whole life is so scary. I don't want that anymore. If they are sick I am sick no way. I can't live my life like that. Love use to fascinate me but growing up having my parents love isn't enough it doesn't quite fit into my standards. I'm making a promise to myself right now to never fall in love. It's only going to be and my fun adventures. My parents taught me a lot, and I'm still learning. If I were to be a mother I don't want to be broken, I don't want my child seeing me crying over a man. I want to be strong. Why is she so sad? Why can't we be enough? Were we ever enough? Now that we are adults its as if she doesn't have to deal with us anymore. I wonder if she regrets her life. If I can wave a wand and have her never have me I would in a blink of an eye. Maybe she'd turn out to love life, maybe she'd travel to all these places. Maybe she'd be a best selling author. Why did our lives turn out this way? What is Gods mission for all of us? I love my parents but what if they just don't love me as much as I thought they did.